17.8.09

A tale of love/lust/whateveritwas

It has been seven years since. Or eight. I don’t remember his name. Nor his number. He gave me both. He asked me for mine – name and number. I didn’t give him either. Now it seems quite funny and once it was over, I would laugh my guts out whenever I told this story. Yet, for a while, he had me frightened. He looked about 16 or 17, not a sign of hair on his face; thin as a reed. That much I do remember, though I wouldn't recognise him if I passed him on the street today. He was from a certain class, that much too I could tell. From his clothes, his voice, his accent, his body language. The first time he accosted me it was outside the Lower Parel railway station towards which I walked each evening (I worked at Mid-day at the time and the office was a fifteen minute walk from the station). Just outside the station, he stopped me with – “Excuse me, madam… madam, one minute!” How many times have I heard that phrase from a stranger and how many times have I cursed myself for stopping and listening to whatever he had to say? But, like each time, I was thinking that maybe the guy is lost and wants to ask for directions, or maybe he wants to know the time, or maybe I dropped something and he’s come to return it. And so, like each time, I stopped. “Yes?” He was grinning rather stupidly. I noticed there was another guy with him, around the same age, and he was grinning too. The young man (not his pal) began talking. “Excuse me, madam…actually, madam… I saw you madam and you are very nice… what’s your name?” I let out a groan and then a sardonic smile. At least, I had meant it to be sardonic, sarcastic, somewhat insulting. It was the sort of expression that ought to have made him back off without any further fuss. But that was not meant to be. He now started laughing – a half-embarrassed, self-conscious but wholly pleased laugh (and again, his grinny pal kept him company). He fell into step beside me as I walked away, and all the time, he kept talking. I have forgotten the exact words now. I don't think I was even listening very well for I was concentrating on somehow getting into a train and shaking these two guys off. But he was a determined fellow. I vaguely remember the gist of what he said – (a) he was attracted to me, which amused me a bit because, to me, he seemed like a child almost (b) he saw me everyday, walking down to the station, which made me very nervous (c) he wanted to 'do friendship' with me, which is a phrase that always fills me with a mixture of amusement, mortification and irritation. When I repeated this story to a friend, she told me I had made a big mistake by laughing. Indian men’s minds still work according to the old adage of “ladki hansi, toh phansi”. Maybe he thought I was gurgling with pleasure at his advances, she said. I did not think so. Anybody can see when a laugh isn't pleasant. Even a child senses that. Yet, he kept following me, asking for my name. When I reached the ticket window at the station, I decided that enough was enough. So I turned on him with as much fury as my partial amusement would permit, and spat out the words. “Look, I don’t know you and don’t want to know you. I am not going to tell you my name, or anything else about me. Go away… leave me alone.” He started arguing (with his pal with the stupid grin still hovering in the background) with me about 'why not?' I have to confess that I toyed with the idea of slapping him but slapping doesn’t come naturally to me. Besides, I took a second look at him and realised he was just a young boy, who was attracted to me and decided to take his chances. I decided to try gentleness. “Look, you’re very young. I’m much older than you think. I’m not right for you, that’s why.” He cocked his head and demanded to know: “Why, how old are you?” I considered this carefully. He couldn’t be more than eighteen years old. A ten-year gap should suffice as a dampener, I thought, so I lied. “I’m more than twenty-eight years old, okay? You’re way too young.” “But it doesn’t matter, madam. My mother is also older than my father,” he said. Mother? Father? What? What was going on inside the boy's mind? Matters, I thought, were very quickly getting out of hand. So I decided to turn around and run. And that is what I did, except that he began to follow. “Arre, just listen to me, madam. Just one minute. At least tell me your name.” “No, I won’t.” “Why not? Please.” “Look, I am NOT going to tell you my name.” “But, madam, please … just your name.” I stopped once more and looked at that boy, still with his stupid grin pasted in place, and his pleading, stupid-grin-face companion still at his shoulder. I sighed. “What is the point? If you harass me too much, I’ll just give you a false name. How would that help?” “Okay then, just give me a false name.” I was incredulous but since he had asked for it, I decided to give him a name, all the while descending the stairs rapidly with him in hot pursuit. The name of an old schoolmate popped into my head just then. “Rashmi,” I muttered. “Okay, Rashmi… Rashmi ji, your phone number?” At this point, I was so amused and so incredulous that I burst out laughing. Here I was, telling him I’d give him a false name and there he was, asking for a false number? He stood there while I continued laughing loudly, shaking my head, hoping the train would arrive quickly so I could escape. But he wouldn’t give up. “Why are you laughing, Rashmi ji? Okay, at least tell me where you live.” I laughed some more. “Come on, just tell me where you live," he persisted. "At least tell me the area, Rashmi, please.” The train’s headlamp was curving into view. I rushed forward; both boys followed. “So that’s where you live… Borivali?” I was amused again at their na├»ve logic. It was a Borivali local that I was rushing to board and so the boy conveniently assumed that I lived in Borivali. I would be getting off at Andheri, and could have gotten off at any of the half-dozen stations in-between. Boarding a local headed in a certain direction means nothing in this city, but I wasn’t about to correct him. So I just nodded and hopped into the compartment. He began calling out a series of numbers. It took a few seconds to for it to register that he was calling out his phone number. That, of course, made me laugh once again. Did he seriously think I was going to remember his number and call him up? He repeated the number twice. As the train bega nto move, he called out: “Call me… remember the number, okay? Give me a phone ring… Rashmi!” The train pulled out of the station. And you’d have thought that was the end of the matter. I certainly did. But I was wrong. A few weeks later, I was walking down again to the station when I heard a voice calling out. “Rashmi… Rashmi!” I hardly paid any attention. As the voice called out again and again, I walked along briskly, wondering who this Rashmi was and why she didn’t listen to whoever was calling out to her. Then the voice got closer and caller sounded very loud, just behind me. I stopped and turned out of sheer curiosity. And that's when I saw them: those boys again! Their reedy, teenaged bodies with those stupid, permanent grins. I groaned with annoyance and disbelief. “Hi, Rashmi.” I took a deep breath and without answering him, swung back and briskly marched to the railway station. I wasn’t going to talk to him this time. “Rashmi! Please, one minute, listen. What’s your problem? I really like you… one minute!” This wasn’t helping. They kept following. And then, suddenly, it occurred to me that this could turn into an unpleasant scenario if I were to walk down every single day and have them at my heels all the way. Once again, I thought it might be better to try and get some sense into him. “Look, I told you; I’m much older... You’re in college, right?” “Yes, second year… I’m twenty.” Liar, I thought. He didn’t look it. But by now, my annoyance was replaced by pity and amusement. I felt the corners of my mouth threatening to curve upwards. “So why don’t you find a nice girl from college and try to pataofy her. There will be many girls of your own age whom you like.” “But, Rashmiji, I like you.” “No, you don’t. You don’t even know me. Besides, I told you, I am not suitable for you.” “That’s okay. I will tell my sister to talk to you.” Gasp. Splutter. Sister? “Yes. I told my sister about you. I want to marry you. I’m going to make my parents meet you.” And his pal's stupid grin got wider, if that was at all possible. I really wanted to slap this other boy. Yipes, I thought. Marry me? This boy's imagination was moving ahead in leaps and bounds. This was no time for gentle remonstrance. It was time, once more, to run. Of course, he followed. “Rashmi, I will marry you, I promise. What’s the problem?” I wanted to scream at him by this time. It wouldn't have helped, I knew, to just point out that that was not what I wanted. I had already done that the first time he followed me and he was clearly not listening. So I just kept walking towards the platform. “You’re going home? Don’t go home right now. Rashmi, stay for a while… Let’s talk.” I ran towards the train. They followed, still calling out to me. The phone number was called out again. With pleas to call him up. The train chugged out. Believe it or not, this still wasn’t the end of the matter. There’s more. The third time he caught up with me en route to the station, it was almost two months later. Without any calling out of false names, he said ‘Hi’ softly into my ear. I almost screamed with panic. Then I saw who it was and began to walk more briskly. He (with his grinning pal in tow) kept pace. As they walked beside me, my anger mounted. Also, there was a new shred of fear. I don’t like being followed, especially by people who seem determined to marry me even before they’ve touched the legal marriageable age. He said, “Rashmi, listen. You had said I would find another girl in college, someone of my own age.” “Yes, so what?” “But I have not found anyone yet.” The expression on his face and his choice was words was such that I was tempted to double up laughing, but I bit my lips hard. “So, what should I do?” “Rashmi.” I snapped, “My name’s not Rashmi.” “Then what is it?” “I’m not telling you. I told you that before. I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” “Why not?” I sighed. He just would not get it until I packaged my 'no' in layers of a context he could understand. So I decided to tell him one more little lie. “Because my heart is elsewhere.” “What?” “My heart is with someone else. That’s why. Understood?” “But Rashmi...” "Oh Jesus Christ! I told you. No." I started descending the stairs. He tried to move faster than me and block my path but he slipped and took a tumble down the stairs. For a few seconds, I stopped, then started on my way again. He was already up on his feet, biting his tongue, half-smiling, muttering, “Oh shit! What an insult… and that too in front of a girl!” I can’t quite describe the way this statement made me feel. At that time, it made me laugh. Now, when I think back, I see it for what it was – an open admission of embarrassment from a relatively uncorrupted boy who hasn’t yet learnt to cheat on feelings and isn’t afraid of plunging headlong into a pursuit, confident with the brashness of youth and unaware of class or other social barriers. Even so, I turned around and was going to ask if he was alright, if he was hurt, because I did not really want him to get hurt. But just then, he caught my wrist to make me stop. And that was it. I was at the end of my tether. I jerked my hand away and turned on him with all the fury I could summon. “Don’t you dare!” “Okay," he said. "Okay, but you weren’t listening to me, Rashmi.” “I don’t want to listen toyou. Next time you come after me, I am going to yell, collect a crowd and have you beaten up.” I walked away, not looking back over my shoulder. I don’t know whether he followed or stayed or went back and when. Once, much later, I saw him and his friend, grin-faced as ever, walking down to the station. I was walking towards the Mid-day office in the late afternoon. Both boys saw me and saw that I recognized them. But this time, the boy did not make an attempt to stop me. He just grinned. I looked at the road straight ahead and tried not to laugh. He and his pal kept grinning as I hurried past them. My reaction was: "Phew! Thank god." And that's the end of that story. Why am I telling this story now? Because of this. Blank Noise is collecting street stories of love and lust, about the way these emotions are negotiated in public spaces in an attempt to undestand harassment better. Was I feeling harassed by that young college kid? I don't know. I actually wanted to be kind to him. And all these years later, I think of the entire episode with amusement and a little pity and remorse because of how he must have felt. But at the time, I was only a couple of years out of college myself and being followed everyday by two grown-up boys was a frightening thought. No, let me be honest. It is still a scary thought. A nineteen year old is no more or less dangerous than a fifty year old. Two nineteen year olds stalking me would still make me nervous, especially if they knew where I lived, what route I took, what train I waited for on what platform. I ask myself questions now. I ask if that boy had really done anything wrong in following me and proposing marriage outright. I ask if I had done right in allowing myself to get sucked into a conversation. I ask what could have been done differently? I have learnt to harden myself to strangers over the years - to slide on an impenetrable mask of indifference and cold comtempt on my face when accosted by strangers whom I don't want to speak to. I like myself lesser for it. It is a terrible thing to do to a human being - to reduce him to an object not worrthy of acknowledgement even, to make him feel like that. On the inside, I cringe each time I do it. But what are my options? When accosted by a random stranger who refuses to take 'no' for an answer, whose sense about where and how conversations about romance or marriage should be conducted, whose sense of propriety is so vastly different from my own that he seems scary, what should be done? I still don't know.
[Crossed-posted here]

17 comments:

  1. The problem is exactly that "when is harassment, harassment" like what is an 'ok' accidental nudge and a 'not ok' accidental nudge, and in assuming always that it is 'not ok' is sometimes being a tad presumptuous.
    Unfortunately some incidents like this are seated right on the fence. Although i can understand why the author feels remorse.
    I think theres no blanket answer, just whats ok for me.

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  4. Such things happen quite often these days or at least such stories stories are often narrated.
    “Oh shit! What an insult… and that too in front of a girl!”. At this she laughed and then she thought it was his open admittance to embarrassment.
    What amazes me here is her positive reaction in spite of him following her and wanting to know her,marry her as apposed to maybe thinking of him as a stereotypical male who think it is more insulting only because of a girl's presence.i guess the reaction would depend upon who is at the receiving end and if the person is actually considering it as harassment or not.

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  5. i agree with tanvee about the subjectivity of the term harassment. in this story i was analyzing whether it was harassment or not. harassment is felt by an individual and hence is very subjective. here the narrator does feel a sense of discomfort and botheration by the persistent nature of the boys. But somewhere i think the age difference makes the incident by itself highly amusing to the narrator. She finds a good laugh at the things this boy does and says. a phrase comes to my mind "baccha hai!".
    hence it'll be interesting to see how the meaning of harassment (to the people) changes with different age groups keeping in mind the age group of the people taunting/teasing.

    another interesting statement is one made by the boy, "oh shit! what an insult! and that too in front of a girl!"
    here i am trying to look at the boy's perspective. here is a 16-17 yr old boy who is genuinely in love with or fooling around and amusing himself and his friends by following this girl and bothering her. but somewhere he is being ridiculed because she is laughing and finding his tactics funny. but when he falls down the stairs and says the above lines, it goes to show despite all this amusement he still has a chip on his shoulder as a man of this country and how falling (physical) is considered such a vulnerability for this man in him.

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  6. shrikar marur5:25 am

    As I was reading this story, one question that kept popping in my mind was, "why is this girl going back to the same railways station everyday? why doesn't she opt for an alternate mode of transport or a personal mode of transport" and that is when I realized most of the solutions we offer to a given problem or the solutions offered to us are always the ones that make us either work around a problem, or work away from a problem and never through a problem and never solving a problem. I still am wondering what the perfect reaction in such a situation would be..

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  7. Anne, I completely relate to your responses to the incident you experienced.
    I have been street harrased myself and from an extreme postion, once, but I still can't help responding to a random 'Excuse me Madam'.
    I think it is the idea of 'Once bitten twice shy' that has made trust in public so difficult and rare.
    Like someone once told me,why is a boy making advances in a railway station considered dangerous as opposed to a boy in a singles bar?

    There are no real answers to these questions but is sad that our conditioned responses to events in society have restricted the very organic and dynamic nature of love and lust in our lives.

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  8. Should the narrator have responded to the boy at all? I don't know the answer for where she lives, but I know an answer for life in America.

    There is an American expert on stalking and harassment named Gavin de Becker who has written about the mental processes of people who behave this way. He explains that they don't interpret things the way normal people do; if you try to explain why the pest should leave you alone, he doesn't think he should leave you alone -- he thinks you're paying attention to him and that's what he wants. If running after you for 5 minutes gets him a sentence of "conversation" from you, he thinks that he can have six sentences if he runs after you for 30 minutes! Now he's delighted, because he knows the rules! He can have whatever he wants by just multiplying out how much to run after you! How wonderful!

    So now he runs after you for hours. He's very happy. He's certain he'll "get" great things. When it doesn't work, he gets angry -- in his mind, you are not allowed to simply not want him, you are only allowed to set the "price" of your company. In his mind, by being willing let you set your own "price", he is romantic and dashing and devoted and kind by letting you choose the terms of your obedience. You are not a person who gets to choose him or not choose him. You're only a funny pet he's indulging by playing along with letting you pick how to obey.

    It is wise to be afraid of such men. There is never any knowing at what point such a man will decide he's permitted you enough freedom and it's time to punish you if you still don't obey.

    The important thing to remember is that he doesn't love you or want to love you or want to love any woman -- deciding a person doesn't get to pick who they have relationships with is hate, not love. The young man thinks hate is acceptable if he dresses it up in words of admiration. All his friends tell him this is so.

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  9. Anonymous9:36 pm

    "He was from a certain class".

    Isn't that the primary reason why this is considered objectionable? If it was a well-heeled suave good-looking English-speaking guy, your perception of this might have been different?

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  10. Dear Blank Noise,

    I have been a long time supporter and fan of Blank Noise, but when I visit your blog today to catch up with all the posts I've been missing, I was quite shock with your template and font... it makes it very difficult to read. Sorry for this off-topic comment, but I think having a presentable layout and font goes a long way in creating an impact too. I would really appreciate it if you can look this up. Currently, I find it very difficult to read anything. :-(

    Warmest regards,
    Kima.

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  11. Hi Kima
    We LOVE the font ! Courier well atleast I think I do. :)

    Yes the blog itself needs ALOT of cleaning and sorting and sifting. We are working on this as we speak. The template has been almost the same. when did you visit last?

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  12. Totally True... I was just talking to my friend. She too has a tale of harassment to narrate ever so often. In fact it will be great if you can publicly post the names of such jerks on the forum along with a photograph so that at least someone else who lives around the area knows they need to beware. Though, it is difficult. You will find one sample around every corner. Keep raising the voice!!

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  13. You're right Anonymous, the class that he belongs to is ---perv, jerk off, sleaze. Why she would give any fool following her around the time of day is beyond me---but she did, didn't she? His pursuit of her makes it obvious that he felt entitled encroach upon her personal space, her body, despite her discomfort and polite rejection. I wonder why? Could it be because she belongs to a certain class—female?
    If anything, her generosity is the only thing I find wrong in this whole story. But I wouldn't want to piss off two guys who are following me either, although I'd seriously love to scream my head off at them...
    But oh, if only it were a suave, handsome...er..english speaking...er...6 foot, 32 inch waist, clean-shaven, chiseled features...b--uut we can't choose our harassers now, can we?

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  14. Anonymous8:08 pm

    Well what is the solution then.Will we eliminate every boy who tries to stalk a girl in the Arab style.Ignoring all the crap that corrupts their minds.

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  15. Helen Huntingdon10:12 pm

    Solution to what? Will we eliminate every boy who tries to stalk a girl in the Arab style. I don't know what you mean by eliminate, but we'll certainly ignore them and stay as far away from them as possible. Life is too short to waste even a moment on men who don't behave nicely.

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  16. You're looking at one of the solutions. Telling people it's not okay and reminding them that women are human, and giving them a place to speak about their experiences.

    ...Arab style?

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  17. I too find the generosity a little unsettling because in my experience it always eggs them on. In a sense i feel that Indian boys growing up have often been exposed to what the 'right' response by a 'good' girl/woman should be- outright and absolute rejection of advances by strange men. So if they are not greeted by that rejection I have a feeling that it emboldens them. And I wouldn't want to do that to anyone I don't know on the streets of this country. If i am sitting alone at a pub or a library or a cinema theatre and someone makes conversation, I probably wouldn't rebuff them the same way that i certainly would anyone no matter which class if they saw me, followed my movements over a period of time and don't take no for an answer.

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